all we do is fight.. i want to go back to when we were so in love and they thought we were cute.. felt like just yesterday.. oh hey it was -__-

hahaha anywayyy so i’ve had my heart set on NYU for so long.. but I seriously have changed. No joke. I feel so different.. I view things so differently.. I’m all for God’s side and I’m so happy I am :) As a result, I kinda wanna go to PUC now.. I know what you must be thinking: “?? You have a 4.2 GPA, can get a 2000 or so possibly on the SAT, extracurriculars, in the top 10 of your class, editor of journalism, MD? maybe, tons of community service… why would you go to an easy to get into SDA school?” i kinda thought the same thing but.. Idk.. I know i’ve worked SO hard these past few years to do well in school, but now… I feel like this is the path God wants me to go on.. I guess we’ll see when I get back from NYC this summer :) 

I clench my fists

I close my eyes

I pray for peaceful

Sleep tonight

The drawer is neat

The desk is still

The outside world

Is gloom and chill

The silence broken

Her voice is loud

I plug my ears

 Still hear the sound

His voice is stern

It always is

A stubborn mind

It’s always his

Back and forth

Left to right

I pray for peaceful

Sleep tonight

A door closed tight

Silence stays

A silent tear

Brushed away

The TV on

The voices light

I got my peaceful

Sleep tonight

Life likes to have a big laugh at us. See us in our weakest moments, throw in the most ridiculously painful thing and say GOTCHA. Good one, Life, got me good there. Other times Life likes to be nice. Such as when I drive and I get every green light. And then there are times when Life just leaves us on our own. Those moments are the ones that matter the most. We are given a choice, and we are given who we are. And with that, we have to decide what we’re going to do with it all. Life didn’t say it was going to be easy; I mean, Life isn’t easy to figure out. But Life did give us one hint, but it’s a big hint. And it’s filled with 66 books.

That one day everyone can be happy. I can’t wait till the day those poor children will see their parents again, when that girl with cancer is perfectly healthy, when that teenage prostitute becomes a virgin again, when that poor boy in Africa can eat his hearts desire, when that young girl in America will finally love herself no matter her weight, when that homosexual boy can be himself and not worry what others think. Some people see heaven as an escape, or filled with everything they want. To me, heaven is a place we can all be happy.

I realized something.. I hold in all my emotions, all my feelings, all my thoughts. I cover it with a fake smile. I pretend that on the outside I’m perfectly fine and my life is great. On the outside? Yeah my life is great. I live in a nice house with a family, most kids can’t say they have that. But my heart, my mind, what is inside of me is not doing so hot. So I hide it just like everyone else. And sometimes.. I even fall for it myself. But what I realized is how I don’t get lost in this fake happy person. How do I not fall for it? Easy. : prayer. Yeah, I have those normal prayers like everyone else. But sometimes I get more into it. The past two nights for example. I’ll go into a deep conversation with God that lasts about thirty minutes. The whole time im crying. Both times I’ve found myself praying for pudi.. For God to protect him and watch over him and be with him because I know I never can. God is really my best friend. He is there for me when I’m real. He is the person I talk to when my feelings just have to break loose. I’m so thankful for that. If it weren’t for him I’d explode. Best of all, God is there for the people I love. Knowing that God is protecting and watching over those people I love, is the best feeling. If I can’t be there, He can. I can honestly say I have the bestest friend in the world

SO, last week was.. a bit difficult for me, but in the end i made a decision. Decision you say? Yes, I Alexis Marca made a decision. Finally, right? -__-. I’ve decided that I didn’t like how I was living before. I felt empty, I felt broken, most of all I felt too dependent on others. So I decided: I’m done. I. am. done. I’m done with relying on others to be happy. I’m done with pushing God away so I can be selfish. I’m done with living a life that makes me miserable. I’m just done! Now, I want to be on God’s side. I want to be involved with a religious group, I want to become a MD, I want to start going to church again, and most of all.. I want to get baptized. I’ve waited so long for this moment, to finally turn my life around and STICK WITH IT. And i’m so determined to stick with it this time. Please pray for me. This is not easy for me, it really isn’t. I’ve had to let go of a lot of things, and no matter how much it breaks my heart, I’ve finally decided. I’m going to take the path God wants me to. And I have never felt closer to achieving happiness <3

want you to disappear.. I don’t want you to go away forever. You mean a lot to me. I’ve known you for such a long time and so much has happened between us. The thought of never seeing you again really hurts because i don’t like it. I don’t like that thought. I wish things never happened like this and it was all because of my own insecurities that it did. I can never ever prove how sorry I am, but the pain that still lingers in my heart knows i am. You don’t know how much i wish i could rewind my life and erase everything.. but i can’t.. all i can do is feel continual heartbreak and miss you like crazy. and i do love you. and i did. and i know i did a sucky job of proving it, i did. and no matter how much i wish i stayed, i didn’t. and i’ll have to live with the choices i’ve made.